For most of my life, I thought being kind meant always saying yes. Yes to extra work, yes to last-minute plans, yes to being the one who helps, listens, fixes, and smooths things over.
It took years, and a lot of burnout, to realize that what I was calling “kindness” was often self-abandonment. I over extended myself in friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationships. I feared losing people if I didn’t say ‘yes’ every time. And I came to the hard realization that many of those people probably would not do the same for me. And that maybe some of those people were not worth keeping in my life if my boundaries were too much for them.
If you’ve ever said yes when every part of you wanted to say no, or if you’ve ever carried guilt for disappointing someone, you might be a people-pleaser too.
What People-Pleasing Really Is
People-pleasing isn’t about generosity, it’s about safety. It’s a learned pattern that often starts early. Maybe you learned that love was something you earned by being good, agreeable, or helpful. Maybe you feared conflict or rejection, so keeping the peace felt like survival.
Over time, you stop checking in with yourself. You start shaping your choices around other people’s comfort instead of your own well-being.
People-pleasing sounds like:
- “I don’t want to upset them.”
- “It’s easier if I just do it.”
- “They’ll be mad if I say no.”
- “I don’t want them to think I’m selfish.”
But here’s the truth: constantly managing other people’s emotions leaves no room for your own.
My Own Wake-Up Call
I used to think saying yes was my superpower. As a therapist, friend, and caregiver, helping others felt like my purpose. But when I moved to Florida and ended up unexpectedly becoming my mom’s part-time caregiver, I hit a wall.
I was emotionally and physically exhausted, trying to meet everyone’s needs while ignoring my own. I’d smile and reassure everyone I was fine, even when I was falling apart inside.
After my mother passed, I realized how disconnected I’d become from myself. I had spent so long caring for others that I didn’t even know what I needed anymore.
That’s the hidden cost of people-pleasing: it doesn’t just drain your energy; it distances you from who you are.
How to Start Healing from People-Pleasing
Breaking this pattern isn’t about becoming selfish, it’s about becoming authentic. Here are a few gentle starting points:
1️⃣ Pause Before You Say Yes
If someone asks for something, take a breath. Ask yourself:
“Do I genuinely want to do this, or am I afraid of what will happen if I don’t?”
That pause is powerful. It helps you respond from awareness instead of automatic obligation.
2️⃣ Learn to Tolerate Discomfort
Saying no will feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to earning approval. But remember: someone’s disappointment is not your danger.
Therapist Tip: The goal isn’t to never feel guilty. It’s to feel the guilt and still choose yourself.
3️⃣ Reconnect With Your Own Needs
You can’t honor needs you don’t recognize. Start small: notice what drains you and what restores you. Ask yourself:
- What do I need more of right now?
- What have I been saying yes to out of habit, not desire?
4️⃣ Set Boundaries That Protect, Not Punish
Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re clarity. They communicate, “This is what I can give while staying healthy.” Setting boundaries and saying no are how you protect your peace. You can’t be everything to everyone all the time.
When I began practicing this, I learned that the people who truly cared for me respected it. And the ones who didn’t? Their reaction told me everything I needed to know. I realized that those people who couldn’t accept that I had limitations and needs were not my people.
5️⃣ Practice Self-Compassion, Not Perfection
If you slip back into people-pleasing (and you will sometimes), meet yourself with grace. This isn’t about getting it “right.” It’s about remembering yourself in the process. You will never be perfect because no one is. So treat yourself with kindness.
🌿 Final Thoughts
People-pleasing often comes from a good heart, a heart that wants peace, connection, and care. But peace that costs your inner peace isn’t peace at all.
You deserve relationships where you can be honest, where your ‘no’ is respected as much as your ‘yes,’ and where you’re valued not for what you do, but for who you are.
The next time you feel the pull to say yes when your body says no, take a deep breath and remind yourself:
“I can be kind without disappearing.”
That’s where real peace begins.
If you’re ready to take your own gentle first step, I’d love to invite you to subscribe to my newsletter. You will receive a free download of my 5-Day Self-Care Reset Plan. It’s a simple way to start making space for yourself again, in just five minutes a day.
Feel free to visit my Etsy shop for resources to help you on your journey. I also have a free private self-care interactive Facebook group for women that you can join here.
Follow me on socials:
Leave a Reply